Archive | October, 2012

Disgusting and uncomfortable (Fair warning)

11 Oct

I did it! I took a very difficult shower. But I did it. And now I’m fresh and clean.

I am sick this week. I will share the details of my sinus/throat/stomach/leg infections another day (or maybe I won’t), but just know that I am sick and have been all-but useless around here. Well, for the sake of my weird shower story I guess I will go ahead and share that I had an infection on my leg (perhaps staph? They didn’t tell me, but I assume it’s staph). A little shaving issue got infected and hurt like heck and swelled up pretty badly. I had to go to the hospital to to fix it. They cut a hole into my leg! Like, and actual hole and then left it open so that I would feel the wrath of God it would heal properly without becoming infected again. According to the doctors, the infection was not “too deep” and the hole was not “too big,” but it wasn’t “their legs” that were being jack-o-lantern-carved by strangers. Jerks. I didn’t look the day that they did it, but I saw it the next day and it looks like there’s an invisible bullet in my leg. A BIG bullet. It’s disgusting! Also, with leaving it open, all of my nerves are exposed, so every time I move, the bandage must re-situate, thus alarming every pain sensor in my nervous system that I am a sinner and deserve death my leg has a gaping hole in it (UNCLE!). Completely disgusting, right? I had the “minor surgery” done to my leg Tuesday. I was instructed to leave the bandage on until Wednesday when I followed-up with my doctor. Leaving the bandage on + afternoon appointment = No showering for me on Wednesday. Couple that with the fact that I have been fighting a fever for a few days (and thus constantly alternating between freezing and sweating) and yours truly has taken on the odor of a dying farmer. I realize now that sickness can taint my natural light and lovely personal scent of vanilla. My very loving, patient, and understanding husband can more than vouch for this.

My doctor is out today, so she told me not to take the bandage off until my next visit tomorrow (Friday). But, being that I am all slippery and stinky, I was determined to shower today. I did it. I showered. But ohmygosh. It. was. DIFFICULT.

I know I’m not the first person to have to do this, but I must say that I feel like I was the most unprepared.

I had heard that people with casts put their casted body part into a plastic bag to shower. I looked and we have sandwich bags and we have 65 liter trash bags. The sandwich bag would be great if my big daddy toe were in a cast, and the 65 liter trash bag would be perfect if I were in a full-body cast, but neither one seemed suitable for my calf-sized bandage. So I got online, found some alternatives, and decided to go with saran wrap. After wrapping my leg up tightly like a giant sausage, I realized that the scotch tape I had was not going to cut it as a substitute for the duct tape around the edges that my online resources suggested. This was frustrating to me, since it forced me to accept the fact that I was not going to get a warm, relaxing, proper shower. Whatever. (If you must picture me as you read the next little bit, picture me in a conservative one-piece swimsuit or something. Or at least have your mind blur out my lady-parts. [Don’t worry about mentally-blurring my butt. Butts are, in my opinion, non-offensive since they are all basically the same and extremely uninteresting without a nicely-cut pair of jeans over them]). First I tried standing with my favorite leg INSIDE the tub and the leg that I hate OUTSIDE the tub. I used the shower hose to wet my hair so I could wash it… and had water basically all over the bathroom in about 3 seconds. My hair wasn’t fully saturated, but some how water had gotten all over the rug, floor, sink, mirror, walls, and, of course, on my plastic-covered calf. This was not going to work. I awkwardly sat down, leaving my gross leg out of the tub, and finally rested riiiiight on the tip of my tailbone. Ahh… There ain’t nothin’ like the feelin’ of cold, hard ceramic underneath ya while ya wobble on the pointiest point of your tailbone in the mornin’ — can I get an ‘amen?’

…*chirp* *chirp*….